#but then i didnt do it and now scared to try and delete it bc tumblr is weird and i dont wanna accidentally delete my entire account

[spaciebabie]

at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!

[moeblob]

@chormine-mutacerta

buddy, help me, your designs.... they are such a chefs kiss.... I hope I did okay with an outfit for Nessa.

[waheedawolf]

.

[meloneta]

sorry guys i did it again

[notjennyfromtheblocked]

Im deliberately sending this off anon so you can see that you arent being 'attacked' by 'Anne', and the fact youre even discussing it that way is ableist as fuck. Im going to start this by making it clear, I have BPD, Im also trans and you will not be knowing my AGAB. You are the asshole in this situation.

We're going to start off simple, you are not an expert on BPD, google and tiktok is full of misinformation and harmful stereotypes about Borderline pplo. BPD is not an 'abusive person' disorder, there is no such thing as a condition that makes you an abusive person. BPD does cause intense, deep emotions that can shift quickly and be hard to control; often this includes having intense feelings for people around them and being scared of losing them/them not being who you thought they were. Because this condition comes from trauma (usually from family/relationships) there are often amplified feelings around abanonment and betrayals of trust especially from ppl you thought were your friends. It is in fact common for some of our nost intense lifelong interests start bc of stupid reasons, but starting bc of a stupid reason doesnt mean the interest isn't genuine. Have you never done something bc your friend wanted you too and you ended it up loving it? Why is it any different bc it was a crush not a friend? BPD doesnt make you a manipulative person, nor does it make you gaslight ppl and seeing as 'anne' has a psychiatric degree Im sure he understands his condition better than you do.

Secondly, 'Anne' is allowed to be trans in whatever way he wants too, she doesnt have to bind, or pack, or change his appearance for anyone. I have a beard, long hair, wear any kind of clothes I want, have tits, have bulge, am hairy and wear a full face of makeup. Some of those things are part of my agab, some of them a part of my transition. And its not a single iota of your goddamn business whether youre friends or not. Gender is a performance and you get to choose the outfit and 'Anne' is deciding what she want his to look like.

Thirdly, you do not seem to understand that part of the reason you very clearly show yourself to be the asshole is the way you speak about others. Describing being an introvert as being more sophisticated or above extroverts is just ridiculous, you are not superior bc you dont go out to parties. I don't either, I find them uncomfortable and loud, but that doesnt make me sophisticated. You talk about 'Mike' as if he cannot be the arbiter of his own interests or relationship, that hes just stupid and couldnt piece it together if 'Anne' was 'faking'. You talk about 'Anne' like she's some master manipulator but you did everything that happened to yourself, you went to the GC and convinced them that something was wrong, you took a group of ppl who didnt know 'Mike' to 'Anne's' house to confront him, you made a callout post about 'Anne' on facebook, you tried to immediately go running to 'Mike' for damage control when your 'intervention' didnt work and you are the person that blasted it all over facebook and now tumblr. And now you are the one losing friends and family, and you deserve it, because the ppl you convinced to attack 'Anne' realised wtf they'd just done and how fucking horrendous that is. You have no evidence of any manipulation, or that 'Anne' is faking, or that 'Mike' isnt happy, you just presented your prejudice. 'Mike' and 'Anne' realise what youve done and they have enough proof to convince a judge or they wouldnt have gotten that restraining order. You are the person behaving manipulative here and everyone can see it except you.

I've tried writing a response to this so many times but I end up deleting it because when I try to explain myself it just sounds like I'm going in circles. There are tons of other asks I've tried answering and rewritten like seven times each before giving up. I've been writing over and over trying to explain like how while yeah technically Mike never told me word for word that he was T4T, when he told me I wasn't his type and then like two days later came out as trans it felt very, very much like he was coming out specifically to let me know that's why I wasn't his type. Or how I was trying to explain how look I know it might be controversial but the constant "main character syndrome" of extroverts just gets on my nerves and is supremely selfish in general and also the truth is you're just GOING to be more intellectual if you spend your free time actually expanding your mind instead of smoking pot and grinding against strangers and how someone like Mike who prefers the same free time activities as I do is just not going to work with someone who would rather party and get wasted than pick up a book, or how Anne is pretending to be trans and I know this because she isn't changing ANYTHING, and I was going to explain that the group chat was full of people she didn't know because it initially was a fandom ship discord from a show she doesn't watch but eventually when I started getting concerned yes it kinda became my "complain about Anne" vent place because nobody there really knew her well enough to go tell her what I was saying and it was a safe place for me to vent and explain why I thought she was abusive and cheating and they would actually listen instead of tell me to knock it off like others, and obviously OBVIOUSLY I thought her and I were close enough as friends she wouldn't mind me using her spare key which she kept under the doormat so it's not like I searched hard. I've written all of that so many times to so many different asks I can't even count and then i just end up deleting it because it feels pointless to even try because I know people will just keep sending asks so why bother so I never wrote it til just now unless I deleted it.

Im gonna be totally fully honest here I woke up and I saw the 99+ notifications in my inbox and I haven't been able to stop shaking because I'm so fucking angry because nobody is on my side, I literally scrolled hoping to find at least one person who was agreeing with me and nobody was and honestly I was so mad I couldn't even see and then I finally found a couple of nice asks and they were signed and I was so excited someone finally agreed with me and when I checked on their blogs they were all fucking terfs. All of the people who were taking my side were fucking terfs. And like I'll be honest with you I have two very close family members who are trans and honestly they've both blocked me recently and even though I tried to contact them they didn't respond and I seriously hate hate HATE terfs because they've been so cruel to my two family members. And I'm so angry. But then I found your ask and at first I was so angry and I tried to reply but I just deleted it because I was getting angry. But then I found more terfs in my ask and then even more hateful anons from non terfs.

But then I kept thinking about how conservatives will literally LITERALLY have Nazis agreeing with them and dig their hills in and in like wtaf how are you not seeing that NAZIS are agreeing with you? But literally the only people agreeing with me are terfs. And honestly that's the last shit I want, I luterally hate terfs. I'm not even exaggerating when I say this is the nicest ask that WASN'T from a terf so I've just. I dunno. I am freaking out because this did not go the way I planned. I knew some people wouldn't agree with me but I thought it would be more split, like some YTA but mostly JAH and NTA. And then when I saw the poll for a hot minute I thought maybe it might veer ESH but obviously that isn't the case. It's just like have you ever really cares about someone, really really cared about someone, and he says oh please don't hug me and pulls away, and then other people hug him so you think I better tell these other people "don't hug him, he doesn't like hugs" and then he says its fine and then starts hugging other people but not you? And you realize at no point did he ever say he didn't like hugging, he just asked you, specifically you, not to hug him? Well imagine that but with Mike, and he stopped wanting to hang out with me and told me not to touch him but whenever I'd remind Anne not to touch him he'd say it was fine and I guess when he came out as trans it was just easier to believe he didn't date cis people than he didn't want to date me. And there were times I thought man I wish I were a trans person so Mike would notice me, and then it seemed like Anne was doing just that because of COURSE it crossed my mind to pretend just for a little while, because if he just gave me a chance he'd realize that we are compatible. Honestly I'm just freaking out because I made this blog a month ago after sent the ask to the aita blog but then it didn't get answered so I started the blog to get all this off my chest. And bam suddenly I was bombarded a month later and it took me a minute to realize the aita hadn't deleted it. Honestly none of this went according to plan and nobody except people I fucking hate want to hear my side. And I dunno. I just don't know. Bur if the only people agreeing me with me all day are terfs then obviously I need to think things through.

[imraespace]

‼️ before reading this i just wanna let you know i yapped so hard during this and i never realized how long this was until i started rereading im so sorry. i hope everything i said makes sense </3 ‼️

ohymogsh thank you for suggesting sae w mala by 6ix9ine bc you just gave me the most brilliant idea ever omg

ALSO OMG U ALSO EDIT/EDITED OMG YAYAYAY i wanna learn how to do like yk those complex transitions w them cubes and all that bc they look so cool but im so scared ill mess them up and its gonna look so bummy 💔

I ANIMATE/TWEEN AS WELL but i use the term animate more bc the term tweening reminds me of gacha life tweening tutorial and my gacha phase was something thats for sure..!

im lowkey considering to like stop editing and start writing stories or create smaus because it takes so long to animate and i cant really do anything else except a simple zoom in/out ☹️

ive been trying to tween this one kaiser fanart and i never realized how bad kaisers hair was until i was erasing each layer of hair for 12 hours AND IM STILL SOMEHOW NOT DONE?? I STARTED THIS ABOUT A MONTH AGO TOO. i have beef w ness now cuz he couldve just gave this guy a bob cut and my life would have been so much easier >:(

i apologize that i never stop talking bc once i start talking about something im interested in i just somehow never stop BUT IM GLAD WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON OTHER THAN OUR LOVE OF BLUELOCK !!

- 🐙

LMAO ITS OKAY once i start yapping i cant stop as well

ALSO YIPPEE IM GLAD YOU LIKED IT!!

ABT THE COMPLEX TRANSITIONS I REALLY WANNA LEARN THOSE AS WELL i went looking at my old edits and realized i didnt even have a certain style it was all over the place LMAO i mostly edit during my genshin phase and i swear one day it was a cute yoimiya edit then next it was a depressing albedo edit that looks wayy different..

i say you should do what you want to rn like i had fun editing for while until i got bored then randomly i made a book on wattpad and it was fun to do so now im here writing for fun! ive gotten the feeling to edit a few times before but i realized how TIME CONSUMING IT IS LIKE WITH WHAT YOU SAID WITH KAISER IT TOOK ME A WHOLE MONTH TO MAKE A WHOLE EDIT WITH JUST TWEENING.

and DONT GET ME STARTED ON WHEN YOU FINISHED CROPPING THE INDIVIDUAL PARTS AND PLACE IT IN THE EDITING APP you realized you missed something out or theres a noticeable spot you forgot to hide(esp for the hair) it makes me wanna just delete everything

i think ness was feeling a bit goofy when he did kaiser haircut bc his rat tails in the back of his head is kinda funny.. i wouldve just made kaiser bald and do the edit just like that for funsies

ALSO SAMEE i cant stop talking if its something im interested in AND YIPEPE WE GOT TWO(hehehe three if you count our non stop blabbering) IN COMMON

whatever you choose to do with the editing or writing just have fun with it and you can always go back to the other one if you want!

WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY THIS HELP I HAD A GACHA PHASE AS WELL I HAD A YT CHANNEL AND SADLY I DELETED EVERYTHING BC I WANTED TO WATCH MY CRINGE VIDEOS BUT ITS ALL GONE. but ya!

[trueoathbreaker]

Im watching a video on mmos and i wanted to talk about my experiences with the genre for the past like 2 decades

I first got into mmos with toontown back when it was all over tv

My parents paid for an account for me and my sibling to share and my dad had his own account

I played a whole bunch of toontown but i avoided a lot of things....i was barely in double digits....stuff like cog buildings and the factory (back when there was like...1) scared me...heck i still tend to avoid them when i go back to ttr (and bc i have zero social skills so i suffer in solo)

My first TRUE mmo was maplestory....i never got far tho i leveled up a few times and got to like the elf area and had someone try to trade me but again i was just a confused 11 year old at the time....idk how mmos work! I still played them!

Theres a bunch of mmos id get into during middle school and into hs but never for too long....i was like a grandma with a cell phone....idk what im doing im just hitting things and running around the first area

I have a friend who id play some of these with back then but even then i didnt know what i was doing

At this point in my life and its only been 28 years of being alive....most of these memories are fuzzy...

I remember always being magic classes until i got one with a gunner...i thought wow thats cool!

My friend always did way more in these games than i did....

And then there was one particular mmo....i had gotten into with a different friend in hs....

Tera

Now my first jump into tera was short lived (in 2013) bc i had a laptop not made to play such a demanding game and i barely saw past lumbertown for years. I shelved tera and had a small burst of playing mmos during this time from new to old

For....whatever reason i dont remember

My previous friend got me to hop back into tera in 2015

And that

Was the start of my true mmo years

Every other mmo i clueless played barely getting anywhere for a few months to playing talesrunner a few times to whatever mmo i wanted to try that gave me a virus once and i very shakily saved my computer from it (probably)

Didnt matter

Here we are back in tera 2 years later and its all different and would only get more different the more i played....i deleted the like 3 characters i had barely used bc their names were trash and i made a new archer named deed

And we had a blast (and i had a third friend join us for some time but we dont talk about him anymore ok ok)

I dont remember how or when

But i had found an mmo coming soon with a closed beta upcoming

Blade and soul

My first time playing blade and soul.....was awful

I was on yet another laptop that could not handle the game....i gave up at the first world boss area bc i had worn the pvp outfit not knowing it was a pvp outfit (whoops) and was basically stun locked into death by strangers bc my poor computer was too slow to handle it

Despite that i bought the founders pack and walked back into the earthern realm with my blade dancer magmia

Who i promptly disgarded to play with my friend on iksnanun

And seeliewood was born

And the rest they say

Is mostly recorded on this blog for your viewing pleasure

Blade and soul to this day is still one of the best experiences ive had in an mmo despite it all despite the games jank despite it taking me months to actually DO non story content bc i had new friends who dragged me with them besides doing the first two dungeons over ans over bc i was a scared baby of 20something despite the absolutely wild people ive met and friendships lost and stupid things ive said and done and times i got my butt kicked by mushin

Its about my friends still letting me try the scary raid with them after i have an embarrassing meltdown down in front of them and a bunch of strangers

Its sitting down for hours in a dungeon just to talk bc no one is gonna yell at us to get out

Its watching a whole raid stop and watch a rare item vanish bc one of u thinks its the ugliest outfit in the world and she paid us to throw it out

Its roping people in to farm pirate princess or black ice for months until they finally drop

Its not about reaching the best gear to do the newest raid that kills you for looking at it funny

Its about a game that introduced me to my gf @shironuri

And while i have had a lot of other mmos following some lasting longer than others including a third return to tera

Most are short lived

I don't stay as hooked on some mmos or i fall back into my rapid pick up and put down way of playing games in general

Many mmos are shutting down or mobile only or have specs past my nearly 10 year old pc that i do not have the money to replace

I'm back to staying away from socializing and many of my friends have moved on or have no time for these games anymore (or they're all in ff14 which i technically own but.... you know)

So many mmos i played only a few years ago are just gone or out of my computers power to play (id love to try and get pso2 to work again but i only played on jp and that takes a HUGE amount of time to set back up)

On that note i realize there's a lot of games i play that should go on this blog but i just haven't

Like other social sims

Yall want my vrchat screens??? Eh probably not theres like 2 active followers yall probably see this on my main enough

[merwynpersonalhub]

Question. What do you mean by "I dealt with some shit online." I have been a little bit curious when i saw that in your pinned post. You do not need to tell if you do not want to.

Its fine dont worry lmao im just gonna warn you its a long ass ramble on what happened. there will be a tldr thing in the bottom since this is gonna be a biggg ass ramble. Tw for accusations on pedo/grooming + manipulation + mentions of the world war 2 causing guy

a lil insight on what happened before this shit happened. (this was on another website) there was a person (we gonna call them oliver tree fan) who was caught drawing nsfw of the ww2 causing guy on a alt acc with someone else. the person who caught them was actually a ex of mine (we gonna call them "M") M vented to me about it since the other person who was on the alt acc used to be a friend of M. I never liked oliver tree fan. they harrassed many of my friends and was just a shitty person in general. i called the oliver tree fan out since the website was pretty small and everything was silent for a lil bit. Then oliver tree fan started harassing M. ANDDDD OOOOO BOY that made me pissed. But i knew Oliver tree fan was trying to start shit so i ignored them and tried to help M. Then oliver tree fan decided to go to my acc later on and said "im gonna block ya now" i was very pissed since it didnt make sense to me and i vague posted about them THIS MADE OLIVER TREE FAN VERRYYYY ANGRY. so what did they do? they made a callout post randomly on me. Basically the callout post was about me being a groomer/predator and how weird it was for me to like characters from shows and how i was manipulative to my friends and i was dating a close friends partner and that i was faking my age bc i didnt look 16 (she had a face pic of mine </3 also yeah this was like. near 2 years ago) I did had faults. i did do stupid shit. im not gonna deny that. i dated a 10 year old when i was 14 i wasnt sexual but it was still fucking wrong. i have cut contact with them a long while ago but around a year ago i did apologize to them. that was a shitty thing to do. i did treated some of my friends very shitty. and i take full fucking blame for that. i apologized to them and we made up. but since. it was a small website. many people believed i was this shitty person and i deserved to go to jail and shit. i panicked to my friends and basically had a big old panic attack that night. oliver tree fan then decided "hey! ill delete the callout if you friend me on discord and talk to me" and i did just that. oliver tree fan basically made me BEG. to have the callout taken down. telling me i was in the wrong i didnt deserve shit. then asked me to delete callouts/screenshots. i did that and then they decided "hey now we friends :D". we also made a deal not to talk shit about eachother AND. not to M. (since around this time M lost someone VERY important in his life in a awful fucking way.) i felt so uncomfy and terrified but i couldnt talk back to them or else i was scared i would get "called out" again. i was added into groupchats that was dissing on my friends and alot of other shit. they kept talking shit to me. to my partner at the time and alot of others. they were very 2 faced and fucking awful to me and many others. i didnt get the worst of it and it was just.. vfnjcnjdcs god fucking awful. many people figured out Oliver tree fan was a shitty mother fucker. and if you see this oliver tree fan (bc i know you stalk me </3) fuck off. legit your a fucking awful person. made me fucking scared for my fucking life for at least 4 months. you made me feel like utter garbage. i really hope you get what you deserve. tldr: Oliver tree fan was a shitty person to me and M (partner at the time now they are a ex of mine) decided to call me out and call me a pedo/groomer manipulator and other shit when i called them out. many people believed Oliver tree fan. they manipulated me into deleting evidence. we made a deal not to talk shit about eachother. ofc they talked shit and treated M and others like shit. then people figured out Oliver tree fan was a shitty person.

hope this made sense

[khodorkovskaya]

After I split with my ex, it took me a while to get my head around it, like justifying to myself that I wasnt in the wrong etc andthat the way he was treating me was wrong and I shouldn't feel guilty about breaking it off etc.... I ended up trying to do like a 3rd point of view perspective thing... so like, I would explain everything that happened and how I felt and then try to see it from another point of view so like this other point of view would go. . "So you didnt reply to his message within an hour because you were literally in a college class which he knew beforehand, and he took the huff and wouldnt speak to you for over day as punishment?? You shouldn't not feel bad about ending it" obvs I had more extreme examples too lol but I dony wanna delve into them much it's like baggage ahaha

But afterwards, like when i was over him and had no feelings towards him etc, i thought i was fine and then discovered i wasnt... so like i could meet someone and really like them and find them attractive etc, and their personality and vibe really well and when I started to fancy this guy I was like omg yes thisnis nice and he acc seems a lot nicer than my ex woop woop. But then as soon I started to think about being in an actual romantic relationship with him I couldnt, I felt physically sick and anxious??? I literally couldn't face the idea of a relationship being like my previous one and I realised that while I was over him, I had some other issues as a result of the relationship I had to deal with instead.

I did get over it though

I've actually forgotten the point I was making with this message now so I do apologise for that sorry

But I thought he hadnt cared too, like he would delete every single pic of us literally within an hour of us breaking up.... he blocked me, and things he didnt block me on, he would post stuff like "good riddance" and stuff that basically made out he didnt care and it was all me etc and that I meant nothing to him....... he would add all these girls and shared their photos with hearts etc....

Anyway like a few months later he literally tried to get in touch saying he was sorry and he missed me and thought about me everyday etc and couldnt get over me

I ignored him though and that was that

I guess this is just a bit of a sharing story, I hope it helps in some way????? Sorry if it doesnt though.......

yeah, the looking at what happened from an outsider's perspective is a really good method. makes things a lot clearer and easier to see. and yeah thanks for sharing your story, it makes me feel less alone <3

but yeah, im definitely scared of falling in love again. but i really hope that the next time it happens, im gonna be more mature and sensible and things will be clearer for me. i mean obviously that's gonna be the case cos i fell in love with B when i was 17 and even now things would be different. but the thought of being in a relationship any time soon makes me very anxious. i think my next serious relationship is gonna be in like 5 years from now. for now the vibe is celibacy all the way!

i wonder how i would feel if B reached out to me again. bc i know it's very stupid of me, but it makes me sad that he didn't try to get me back, you know? like he didn't fight for me. he tried a little bit and maybe i have high expectations, but it didn't feel like it was enough. a deep dark side of me wishes he suffered more. and don't get me wrong, he did suffer. i left him without a warning and i still feel terribly guilty about that. the night i left he stood outside my parents' balcony and shouted my name and thinking about that makes my skin crawl. i feel awful. but at the same time something about that was so satisfying bc it felt like he had finally acknowledged me and my feelings.

but idk. maybe im spiteful and vengeful. and sadistic. but i fantasise about him begging me on his knees to take him back and crying and sleeping by my front door and following me around like a puppy dog asking for forgiveness. the last time we saw each other and had sex i strangled him, wishing i could actually choke him to death. i wanted to see despair in his eyes and absolute submission to me. like finally, after all the suffering i had endured, finally i could have full control over him and make him mine. you know?

but he never fought for me. and from a sensible perspective, that's good. he accepted my rejection and left me alone. and that kind of things requires great discipline, so good for him i guess. im thankful for that. but from like a twisted toxic perspective, i wish he'd message me saying that he misses me.

[theinfectedtim]

This is gonna sound harsh and thats fine

You care too much

This isnt meant in the nothing matters way. Things will happen and even if you could do something then so what, the world will continue regardless.

Nothing matters so whatever, the world continues.

Stop caring and just do stuff, the world continues and so should you

The worries is time wasted, something so little you could spend it better

Caring too much again

Whats stopping you from taking that step

Worries mostly, useless things never helped you with anything

Made you lash out

Stop trying to forget, dont focus on remembering just let it be no changing it

Keep trying to focus on actions, worry about what others might thing or react, dont want them to react but want them to give praise? Aknowledge?

Stop caring just do take the plunge stop holding your strings up

Change is good, mind can change, not a rock rocks can change a pillar for others hollow mask obvious and brittle falls away want to do good but what

But what

Be too harsh not harsh enough

Too harsh

Taken it slow for long enough

Scared of close to you seeing and the illusion breaking

Its okay

Just care less about those things, find joy and the escapes shouldnt replace this here

Stories to replace the this to escape? To fix? Small fixes too things steps to far too important too things you cant change

Baby steps, own steps own way

The labels are stupid

Who is you and what part are they is from them

When did you lose you

Its been an escape for so long

Too many worries, worries kept you from doing stupid stuff, made you do stupid stuff

The selfhate was stupid

Never understood others them, always stories

Started when left the place

Always infected, others aswell tim mostly

Tiffany?

A boy a man not a man but a man? Dont feel like i am adulting like adults

Know nobody feels like an adults, its what they say and ive pretended well enough aswell, might have made a kid doubt himself

Always masks for pretending

Not always pretending

Want too help, too lazy to help?

Different ways worries about seeming weird

Help isnt weird

Maybe suspisous, worried about bad intentions, too many thoughts about the small offers of help they can help themselfs but help is always nice? Maybe also worried about asking for help maybe maybe not

Should care more

Shouldnt worry so much

Already care enough, act on it

Worried others will worry bc of it, dont want to worry them so never talk about anything

Nothing changes always the same pillor of support for them

Always there

Dont want to bother dont know what to say what to do nothing matches enjoy too little of the same they might be busy

Not best friend best friend

Worried they stick around out of pity dont want pity will accept pity if its the only thing

Less clamps less restraint when now will regret when asking tired should go to sleep

Knowing not pity little bit pity said asked before not sure

Want them to see want to say cant say

Made myself like this

Can change did it before done it again

Why always change

Bucket always full tips over slightly never empty

Hungry a bit already again

Want to taste old new but never did

Steadfast same always change now weird not weird can change maybe wont again worried about comments

Stupid and still stops me

Disconnect between mind and voice

Slower relay takes time other ways also slow? Voice takes longer, movement faster unclear maybe

Had worse dont know the difference anymore little difference between pains

Worse than then? No not worse so doenst hurt? Feel it so hursts? Feel a poke with a finger react as hurt but it doesnt hurt, reaction mostly

Makes no sense honestly

Wont talk should talk, want them to see to worry to care but dont want them to worry

Talking should help is said dont know if this counts didnt intent for it dont wont delete it would be unjust to me? Keep it dont forget it

Awake aware but different when just awoken more restraint chains?

[f3lkloretales]

i love how i got played by one person, was able to be like okay thats it now whatever - then immediately got played in the same way by another person

im trying to pretend its fine but its not and im just scared of how im subconsciously going to cope, bcs conciously im really being as healthy as i possibly could be but i can feel it shifting in me i can feel the need to do something impulsive and stupid so i could get the proof people care bcs i dont feel like they do

i just hate that i feel like i have to fill a void, n if i have to ill do it w that one person i rlly shouldn’t, i dont want to, i wont but i dont have that much control either

havent been able to sleep for 3 days bcs of that guy and he didnt even say sorry i hate it

i tried to communicate as best as i can and then deleted my discord so i wouldnt go ham 😭😭

i think the problem in my head just is that i want someone to know my soul like she did i need someone to just understand me i need it to feel like breathing yk

but i wont just find smth like that again soon wether it be /p or /r or idkwhat

i have friends now but they are busy and they dont know me like that i feel like they dont know the real me but im grateful they exist at least but i wish theyd ask me how i was sometimes

bon im getting my period soon aswell that doesnt help

if i had just shut up i wouldnt have known he was lying to me and he didnt mean any of it but hey

thats just a theory

a me theory

i want to cry so bad

im scared i wont be able to handle the job too i feel like im not strong enough not that i have a choice

its for the better

ill get used to it like i usually did without a fp to blow it up

i should sleep but its early n then ill be awake at 6 again just crying thinking about getting mad at him n that making me spiral into everything else

im all over the place

im also thinking about how with the face you have now, i wouldnt recognise you anymore i dont know

the one i remember is getting blurry already but you dont have that softness anymore

it makes me really sad

i do miss you right now but its the thing i said the soul thing ud know what to do to make me feel safe i just know it

now all ive got is me which is normal but im weak bitch aaagggg i need support 🧍🧍

well eepy vibes too lazy to type see you tumblr

[bunnypopgal]

Hello. It's been a few years since i made this blog and made my first post. I now deleted my first post bc i found it to be cringe and honestly really painful. i have grown a lot in these past years and have seemingly beat my hallucinations for now. i know that will most likely come back prob once i become a mother one day but i feel more prepared to beat them again.

Other than that i dumped and got dump by two partners, made and lost almost all my friends besides one. dont judge by like im sure many of us are im a sucker for the friends turned lovers trope and well ive been dating my best friend for almost going 2 years now. he has been super accepting, a wonderful partner and my biggest support thru it all so far. hes my only support system honestly.

i am deeply scared to make friends again after what my last friend did to me.. for years and i just let her. i cant really blame it on having low self worth either since i honestly really like myself and who i am but more so i didnt know HOW to be treated by others. let me be clear NOT how I treat others, no-no but HOW others SHOULD treat ME. isnt that nuts? you think that would be something we just have inside of us as humans (or otherwise) that we would just KNOW that. i dont FEEL like a doormat either but maybe i am. not with everyone, mind you. just like people ive grown to have developed a trusting bond in with respect packed in there like a mozzie stick, yum, ya know? i love em like chosen family and youre gonna body shame me for not being short for a woman, like what? you think i wouldve picked it out asap that chick SCREAMED pick me but i also saw her good qualities too which is why i wanted to be friends with her... i trusted her a lot. Oh well tho.

As much as it still hurts sometimes the fear is still there. i, as a woman also fear other woman. i know, i know. there is so many other wonderful women out there who would never treat me so badly but my brain is gone broken from so many traumatizing events over and over again. it irrational, i know it. its also isolating. i dont go out much at all but honestly blame the economy for that. i plan to be getting a part time job soon which you can also blame the economy for haha but also i want to meet people and have some kinda structure in my life again. hoping for friends right now is something im maybe not ready for honestly i think ill just start with talking to people again and let that be that. i hope to get some kind of a cleaning job so it will be a little to no talking to people depending on where im set up.

im just kinda scared to open myself up again to other people. online of course is different mainly besides the usual explanation but also for me, the internet is a black hole where NO ONE see the crap i shit out which includes my art i make sadly. i dont really try all like hard to make people see it anyways. i am still scared of people after all.

anyways today i have plans to hang out with my partner before he has to go to work. im hoping we can play palworld together again hehe. Other than that its house chores and back to drawing for me today. i just came out of another depressive episode recently so i have a few great messes to clean up. its a good thing i like cleaning, ya know when i dont feel like i wanna disappear. what can i say, its genetic. thanks, dad haha.

im planning to get back into my old hobbies too like live streaming. ive been live streaming all over the internet off and on since i was maybe 14. im 23 now so 10 years!!! WOWIE!! when i was growing up my family would joke around saying i need my own reality show haha. i do have a huge personality, ig but thats something im very comfortable and like about myself. bold and funny, i think!! streaming is a super relaxing thing to me. i talk to myself anyways and i always have. you dont stay this "sane" without talking to yourself to fight off the loneliness haha.

that reminds me recently my partner told me he found me to be a "increaser of morale, an inspiring person, you're motivating and you make being emotionally positive SO EASY." im still so stunned and very very VERY flattered he told me that! even if its not true im glad he feels that way bc thats a nice way to be. hes very very sweet to me.

well i could write forever right now honestly but i should probably go drink enough water to take out a house fire so i dont die of dehydration.

oh, if only. (JOKING)

[lethalhoopla]

Had to stop myself from going off on a spiel on a client yesterday who was like “I should stretch but working out or doing yoga or anything isn’t something I’m good at, I can’t keep it up so I’m bad at it even my teachers in high school said so :( “ and I just wanted to take her by the shoulders and gently shake her and be like IT IS OKAY. VERY FEW ARE. IF I HAD A DOLLAR EVERYTIME SOMEONE SAID THAT TO ME I WOULDN’T HAVE TO WORK BUT I STILL WOULD BECAUSE BY THE STARS IF YOU WILL NOT TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF I AM HERE TO TAKE YOU BY THE HAND AND LEG AND TWIST AND BEND YOU UNTIL YOUR BODY IS YOURS AGAIN. AND THEN YOU CAN TRY AGAIN, ONE DAY AT A TIME, IN A MANNER AND MEANS THAT IS KIND AND SLOW AND BETTER THAN NO MINUTES SPENT AT ALL. ONE STRETCH AT A TIME, THAT IS ALL I ASK, AND I WILL NOT BE MAD IF YOU RETURN HAVING FORGOTTEN.

… Buuuut it’s not very zen of me to go off like that so, y’know, I just told her she was anything but alone in that and it takes time, there’s no failing grades in adulthood for being uncertain about it. And that that’s what I’m here for, happy to help lmao.

[vampfucker666]

the curious-smith family tree is to blame for all my ills and also for fucking up my programs folder >:(

[coridallasmultipass]

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[serv0z]

Might go fuck up my sleep schedule i just fixed so i can work on shit without my phone overheating from the heat.